Second Week Done!

Well, week 2 of the challenge has officially been completed! Tomorrow is supposed to be a scheduled rest day, but since I used my rest day as yesterday (stupid weather), I will get a run and some abs in tomorrow. I made 5 out of the possible 7 workouts this week, including the 75 minute kickboxing class today. I am DEFINITELY feeling that class today...wow. I like to do the resistance bands class prior to kickboxing. Today was upper body bands. Sooooo that meant kickboxing was lower body and core focused. Ouch. I don't know why but I tire out so easy when we do more lower body work. It makes me frustrated. I just want my stamina and my endurance back! I am hoping when I drop the weight that will increase. Travis did the 75 minute kickboxing too. Normally that class is reserved only for FIT members, but since Friday's KB was cancelled they made an exception today. He smoked me. I know he means well when he is cheering me on when I am doing work on the bag, but today it annoyed me. Probably because he was killing me on the bag and I felt like it was my first day. Blargh.

I must say Travis and I are noticing changes in each other since the challenge started. He is already getting some definition, especially in his upper body. I think my thighs have thinned a little and my curves on my mid section are a little less curvy. Clothes are starting to fit better, so that's a plus! My tummy still swallows my button on my pants in my size 10s...so I am not completely ready to wear those yet. Ha!

Since yesterday was our free day/rest day we took advantage of it. It is nice to work hard and eat right all week when you know you have something like that to look forward to. We made steaks on the foreman (let me just say I cannot WAIT until summer to have a gas grilled steak), fried potatoes and corn. SO good. Of course we had to top it off with a trip to our local ice cream place. One brownie astro later and I was a happy girl. We already have next week's free meal planned. Fried food and pie. Probably from Perkins. French silk pie, I am coming for you!!!

 Next week I am hesitantly looking forward to the resistance training. It is VERY hard. We start to switch it up next week. This means we add cardio, drop sets, super sets, etc. It is seriously almost (sometimes even) more difficult that kickboxing days. My legs are already aching in anticipation. Lots of water will be had!

Hope everyone out there had a wonderful week, and that you made steps (even baby ones rock!) to better your health. It is no easy feat and I can certainly attest to that. Small, slow steps are the ones that stick! I like quotes, and I found this one from Mark Twain-
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.”

Ha! Poking fun is all. Even though some of the time I do force the good stuff in my mouth and force my body to exercise, even when all of me wants to say the hell with it. Have a great weekend!

P.S. Those naughty butterfingers in my car are no more. They were every bit as yummy as I thought they would be. :) I only had one though. "Forced" Travis to eat the other one.

Blargh.

The title of my entry today sums up just how I am feeling. Blargh. I would like to submit that to Merriam Webster please. It basically means sonofacrapsucktasticblah. :) First off, unless you live under a rock (a very cold rock) you know that our weather is less than desirable today. I have not ever had to shovel snow a day in my life...except once maybe in high school. My mom thinks it is funny to remember the time I shoveled in high school. She watched me from the window and took pictures, all while I am yelling "where am I supposed to put the snow?" I wasn't terribly bright that day I guess. It is no secret that I hate the cold. I can stand snow, but not the cold. I swear Utah's winters were warm. Tons of snow, but the temperature was warm! Iowa, yeah. Not even close. I have this foot problem, stemming from a spinal anesthesia mishap with my second born, and when its cold, my foot can barely function it hurts so bad. So that is one reason I hate the cold. The other is well, cold = winter. Winter is my least favorite. Blargh.

Snow and winter just have to go and mess many things up! School cancellations, activity cancellations, 15 minutes to drive 4 miles...blargh! Snow just messed up my Friday plans. Travis and I had planned on getting to Farrell's around 5-ish and doing the 5:30 kickboxing class and part of the 6:30 class as long as the class wasn't too crowded. Classes were cancelled. Hmm. Time to think of an alternate workout. I missed lower body bands last night because of an appointment for my son. I did an alternate workout though! I was proud of myself. Thank you Spongebob for babysitting my kids for a half hour so I could treadmill it up! I did intervals of 2 minutes each: fast walk, slow jog, run, slow jog, fast walk, etc. I did that for 30 minutes. I definitely need to find my ipod. Or I need to get a new one. Sirius on TV was just not cutting it for me last night...and when I run, I need music like Korn or Limp Bizkit or something that isn't sloowwww. Angry Abby runs better than docile Abby. RAWR!
Once my sweaty self got my kiddos to bed, I hunkered down for a set of super star abs. I did the entire intermediate set. Well, except V-ups. I can't do them. If you don't know what a V-up is that's ok. They aren't worth getting to know. :)

So tonight. Gotta think of something. I am fairly certain I have some old Billy Blanks tapes somewhere. Maybe I could get Travis to do some yoga with me. If anything it would be good for a laugh. :) I certainly don't want to shovel snow for my workout. I mean, where would I put it?!

Do any of you watch Biggest Loser? I honestly don't watch a whole lot of TV. I used to be addicted to Prison Break when it was on (ok I still watch the DVDs or Netflix) but I rarely get into a show these days. I happened to catch the first show of the season this time around. So, Tuesdays, I now find my way to the couch to watch BL. I like to think we (the people on the show and I) are friends. We want the same things. We want to get healthy. It is a good motivator to watch them change as I change. In 2009 when I was at my worst, I actually printed off the paperwork needed for biggest loser. I couldn't make myself film a video to send in though. I felt far too embarrassed to send that video in. Good thing I don't care anymore. :) Anyway, this last Tuesday was crazy. People mouthing off to the trainers, people going home on their own free will...sheesh. Did no one appreciate the fact that they were given this amazing opportunity to turn their lives around?? The guy that left the show because he felt he was needed more at home just floored me. I thought, "yeah, you may be needed at home, but they need you to be healthy and viable at home too." Gah! Anyway, it was good to see that some contestants who didn't make it to the ranch first could possibly come back. How would some of you have done with the food challenge that they faced? Chinese buffet? I woulda rocked it. I like fried rice. That's it. And even that I can live without. Travis on the other hand, he would have been done for. This man loves buffets. ANY buffet. Chinese buffets though are probably a weakness for him. Since he has met me though he doesn't get to indulge since I am not a huge fan. I am the girl who would order chicken fried rice and french fries when we would get Chinese take out in the ICU where I used to work. Little side story: Travis and I went to the cities in September and he kept telling me about this AMAZING buffet that we just HAD to eat at on our way home. We literally drove around (in circles, on and off I-35) looking for this damn place. 30 minutes later, we arrive. It was not amazing, this man just loves buffets. And "eating what he paid for." :)

I did like what Bob had to say to one of the contestants. His advice is something we should all follow. Who you are now isn't who you once were. We have to work with who we are now. I am not who I once was and that is ok. I have to work with who I am and what I have now. Today. Not me even 7 months ago when I was at my lightest. Me, now. And even though that "me" now isn't the "me" I want to be, it's what I have to work with. I know my limits, but I also know that I can push them. Even though old Abby was 19 and a dancer on a collegiate level she was not healthy. She was a smoker, lived and ate like a college student, and slept minimally. At 30, I am in the best shape I have been in. I have many changes to make still, but I am getting there.

There is a quote floating around from Steve Jobs that I love. “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Don't waste time living someone else's life, even if that someone else is you 10 years ago. Live for today. Don't let people tell you what you can and cannot do. (Or do and prove them wrong! BOOM!) Opinions are like...well, maybe I won't go into that saying. It doesn't matter why you (or me) are on the journey to a healthier way of living. We don't have anything to prove to anyone. Our courage alone will get us to where we want to be. Dance it out everyone, even when you feel "blargh."

Push On!

Well, these past few days have been interesting. I have been sick unfortunately. I guess since the weather finally decided to turn to winter my body decided it was time to get sick. Just hoping I keep it away from Travis and the kids. Monday I had an all day meeting in Hampton. I felt like death. I loaded up on Dayquil and drove to Hampton. I felt really bad for the other 7 or 8 people crammed into a 10x10 room with me. Luckily we got to move to a bigger room and then it wasn't so obvious I was swimming with disease. Good thing I got that flu shot! (sarcasm) Luckily no one caught my tuberculosis (yet) and I got through the day (barely). My meetings in Hampton are usually a nice break from the day to day of the nursing home. They bring us in, stock a fridge full of pop and water, and treat us to lunch. We learn about lots of important stuff DON's do and chit chat about how our job is stressful and rewarding. Usually we order Subway, and I can pick plenty of healthy choices off their menu. Monday, we ordered from some restaurant in town. The menu looked sooo yummy. Croissant sandwiches...quiches....brownies as big as your hand (no joke). I STAYED STRONG! I ordered a grilled chicken salad with light italian. I didn't even eat the crackers that came with it. Honestly it was really good! But those brownies...friends...I hate to turn away chocolate. These brownies were seriously 3"x3" (give or take, I'm bad with measurements) with at least a half inch of thick chocolate icing on top. As if that wasn't enough there was white chocolate shavings on top of the glorious frosting. I held back. I had cough drops for dessert. Good thing I did. Hall's sure knows what to say RIGHT when I 

needed it! Notice: PUSH ON! POWER THROUGH! Bam! Those got me motivated. Aren't they cute? Helpful little buggers they are. But seriously I saw that and was like "Damn straight Halls, I CAN push on, I CAN power through!" I may feel like crap but I can get it done. I did. I powered through and made it through kick boxing.  (with lots of meds and Travis for support!) Granted, I probably shouldn't have pushed myself that hard...because I felt like megadeath afterwards. But, I survived, and here I am again, typing away.

I got through the night with lotsa night time cough medicine. Slept it off. Woke up today feeling so much better. I called into work and slept the day away. I barely remember getting the kids ready for school and sending Travis off to work. Probably best I didn't drive them to school this morning! Once I finally got going I got in my van to pick up the kiddos and saw this:

 There are those 2 naughty candy bars, still in my car. I barely ate anything today...I wanted to eat those. Bad. I ate my protein bar and stared at them the whole time. Do I leave them there to taunt me daily and test my willpower? Or do I just feed them to my kids? (But they won't appreciate them like I will) Or do I save them for a free day?? I tried to pawn them off on Travis, but even he resisted. I think I will leave them there, as a reminder there are things in life that are better than those 2 Butterfingers. Ya know, like not having 2 butterfingers go straight to my ass.

Tomorrow morning is going to be interesting. 5 am kickboxing here I come. Wednesdays are tough for me since I can't do afternoon Farrell's because of church. But, Push on! Power through! And most of all, Put a little strut in it! :) Will do Halls, will do.

Sunday of Rest

5 days?! Really? It has been 5 days since I last blogged? Wow this week just flew by. Tuesday through Thursday I went to early (and I mean EARLY) Farrell's classes. 5:30 am Tues, 5am Weds and 5:30 am Thursday classes. Each day kicked my butt, but it's all in the name of dedication, right? I think I was in bed around 9 or 10 pm each of those nights as well. I must take a second to toot my own horn though. I made 7 of 7 workouts this week...all 6 regularly scheduled as well as the 75 minute kickboxing class for FIT members on Saturday. All while battling a nasty cold. Travis also made all 6 of 6 workouts. I am pretty proud of both of us with how our week turned out. We both hit it seriously hard.  Now today, we rest.

I am trying to take this challenge as serious as I took my first 10 weeks. The hardest part of that is not stepping on a scale every day. You are not to weigh until the 5 week test, which is on February 11th, then not again until the final test which is on March 17. I am used to stepping on the scale every morning before my shower. Not sure why that became my habit, but it did. So, I am trying as hard as I can to not get on the scale out of habit in the morning. I am also trying to be as patient as I can with myself. I worked hard this week, ate really really good...I feel I look exactly the same. I realize that this weight gain I have didn't take place over night and that it is going to take just as long if not longer to come off again...but it is hard to want to be somewhere so bad, knowing full well I have done it before. I have 9 more weeks left to reach my goal. I have decided my goal for this 10 week challenge is to lose 25 lbs. It's a pretty big goal, but it could very well be within reach.

With Farrell's you are allowed a "free" day. Meaning that if you ate as you are supposed to all week, made all the workouts, then one day of the week you can use to eat whatever you want. Travis and I took ours yesterday. All week long he has been craving pizza. I love pizza as well so we decided that would be our free meal. He came home with a large sausage pizza and a large cheese pizza...as well as garlic breadsticks. He ate his entire pizza. I ate 3 slices and 4 breadsticks. Let me tell you...I felt like total crap afterwards. What is surprising to me is that I normally can eat a large cheese pizza by myself. (It was thin crust...as if that really makes a difference) I couldn't force myself to eat any more. But, now it sits in my fridge...taunting me. Eff you pizza!

Speaking of taunting...I got my van back this week. It has been in the shop getting fixed after Bambi's mom decided to go all suicidal. I got in my van...and there...staring at me...evidence of my "old" life. Two fun size butterfingers. Right there. Taunting me. The reason this is a big deal is because one of my oldest habits is one of my hardest to break. Eating and driving. It is nothing for me to go on a drive and buy candy or some other crap to pass the time. Eating while driving doesn't really count right? I mean no one can see you shove a king size butterfinger and cheese filled breadsticks in your mouth...so if no one can see you it didn't really happen, right? It is pretty embarrassing to admit, and I am sure I am not alone, but I was very much a closet eater. Before I took the very first step over a year ago to regain my health, it was not unheard of for me to make a gas station run to get a "snack". What my ex husband didn't know at the time was that when I would go to the gas station, I would buy us treats, but I would buy myself two and drive around town to eat one, then eat the other one when I got home. I felt like I had to hide it. I don't know why but it brought me peace. Fed my addiction. Got my little fix...until the next time. I don't do that anymore, but the other bad habit I did fall into was treating myself like I "deserved" it. If I can justify my addiction then it is ok. Turns out it isn't, and it still leads to packing on the pounds. This being said, it is important to let yourself have a treat once in awhile. If I hold myself back from something I am craving for too long, it leads me to eat way too much of whatever it is I am craving. I know everyone is different, but for me this is how it goes. I am also one who has to have something sweet nearly every day. Thank goodness for "free days."  I have been battling this many ways...with pineapple juice, blow pops, and starlight mints. If you have any other suggestions let me know!


In a blender, crush the following items:
6 ice cubes
1/4 c OJ
carton of dannon activia light yogurt (any kind)
handful of either strawberries, blueberries, raspberries or blackberries (or a bit of each)

after all that is crushed together, then add one scoop of your choice of protein powder. I use vanilla. Use the pulse feature on your blender to get all the powder evenly mixed. It helps it from sticking to the sides of the blender and from having chunks in your smoothie.

It is amazing and is a yummy start to the day.

Well, I better close. One week closer to my size 10s. I just know it.

Sore.

Ah lower body bands. My nemesis. Well, really, step back lunges are my nemesis. I don't know why but I keep my core tight and it NEVER fails, I lose my balance. I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was up at 430am driving to Farrells. Nothing whatsoever. :) Anywhoo, that's what today was. Lower body. I do have to admit I quite enjoy band days, usually upper body more so, but all band days none the less. Band days are where you build your muscle, build your power. If I do bands consistently I definitely feel like I kick and punch the bag much harder. Bands are the whole reason I felt completely comfortable in a tube top in July. That and my sweet tan I had this summer.

So, yesterday was the first day. I love the first day! I love seeing what color wraps the newbies have...they are easier to spot. Plus, I love being a teacher. I love helping people get the right form. It just makes me happy to know that I can help a new person with some tips that had been passed on to me when I was a new person. That is what Farrell's really is about for me- paying what I know forward. Plus it helps me succeed as well. That being said, my partner yesterday was Travis of course. He is one of those newbies, and me, being the FIT member that I am, was ready to help him however he needed it. Let's just say this, his 23 year old butt kicked my almost 31 year old butt. He is quick on that bag! There were times I wanted to just be like "slow down dude!" but I held myself back. I need this push. I need him to make me work quick. Seems like every time I have a guy partner they are just so darn fast!

As far as eating goes, I am doing pretty good really. Usually in the beginning of a challenge I can ignore or not even have cravings. In a couple weeks though I might be crying on my blog because I want that stupid box of hot tamales. Cross that bridge when I get there. :) Both Travis and I have been eating 5-6 times a day, and loading up on the protein. We have cut out a lot of carbs, not all of course because we need that energy, but quite a few anyway. I was quite proud of myself today. There was an amazing looking dessert at work and one of my co-workers said "that dessert looks really good." I replied, "yeah so do my skinny pants!" :) I held back. But, I may or may not have stuck my head in the cupboard where we keep all the candy bars for the residents and inhaled in excess. :)

Overall I am happy. I can't wait for that first confirmation that I am heading in the right direction...that first try on of my old pair of size 10s. It is so worth it. Every soreness I feel, every ache in my body....all worth the final result.

I also must say I am so motivated by my friend's responses to me via facebook. I have received many nice messages saying that my blog is motivation for them, that they really enjoy reading it....THANK YOU. :) Part of why I am blogging my journey is because I want to motivate others. I am being real in every sense of the word on this blog. Totally authentic and transparent. This is hard. Losing weight is hard. It is every bit of a mental battle as it is physical battle. Sometimes I feel that the mental battle is a much harder fight. My body can do the work, but my mind tells me to give up. Writing about it is therapy. Talking to my friends about it is therapy. I want people to see that if I can do it, so can they. I too am struggling day to day. It is really a day by day, meal by meal process. You are not alone.

Disappointed. Motivated.

I did it. I tested. Travis tested. We are ready. Travis went to the nutrition seminar and got educated on his new diet for the next 10 weeks (and hopefully more long term) and I took the kids to Subway. Then we traded off, I went to testing and Travis went to Subway!  I really don't know what I was expecting when I walked in through the doors. I was very relieved to see many familiar faces, all with the same goal in mind: get healthy! We all may have different sub-goals: lose weight, maintenance, increase endurance etc, but we are all there together to gain or re-gain control of our health and our life. So, I walked in, nervous. The mile run hanging over my head. My lungs mildly wheezing. Nervous. The place was insanely packed! You know, for some reason I had a split second where I thought, "forget this!" I was making a big deal out of nothing. Yeah, many of these people had seen me at my absolute best, and now here I am, clearly not what I was back in July...guess how many people noticed? Zero. It was only a battle in my head. Sigh.

I went into the small room to get my measurements. Of course, the one measurement I dreaded the most was the first thing I did. I stepped on that scale. Damn you scale 4, I thought we were friends!!! The scale MIGHT have let out a little moan when I stepped on it. When I saw what it said, I fought back tears. Damn it Abby. I knew it was bad, but this? (Insert 4 letter word here that ends with "uck") Disappointed. I have worked TOO hard over the past 16 months to have the scale read what it did. How could I have slipped so far? Ok, I know how: eating crappy, not working out. But why? What is it that makes someone fall back into old habits? I heard once it takes 6 months to develop a good habit and keep that habit. Well, hadn't I done that? I guess I just became too comfortable, slipped a little, and obviously got to the point where I didn't care.

Moving on. Measurements, eh, I knew those wouldn't be so good considering I know how my clothes currently fit. I have been wearing the same 2 pairs of cords to work since they are my only size 12's. The 10's just hang in my closet, collecting dust, remembering better times. Next was the sit and reach...that is the one thing I am always good at. Always been pretty flexible. Still flexible, but I do have a belly roll that gets in the way of my reaching. Then, slowly, I made my way to the bathroom. There was a big line ahead of me so I had a while to stress some more. Met a lady in line...turns out she will be in my class. We had a good little chat and she was asking me about Farrell's. I LOVE explaining Farrell's to people. I love to share my experience with it and hope to ignite that passion for it for someone else. But, every time I talk about it to a stranger, something in me burns even more. Pushes me. That's how I know this is the real deal. I made my way through the line, and there it was. The fully clothed person waiting with a camera. So, I stripped down to my awesome peach sports bra and black skin tight spandex shorts. I just let it all hang out! So there I am, with about 5 other women dressed just like me (sans peach sports bras, they at least matched) waiting in line to get our pictures taken. I got up there and just as I was saying something to the lady behind the camera (or licking my lips, I can't remember) she took my picture. THIS should turn out good. Ha! Did my poses for the camera and got the hell out of there...after I threw my clothes back on of course!

Sit ups, push ups and mile run were all I h ad left. One thing about testing, is I love the enthusiasm that fills the room! I love when people are cheering (usually for the complete stranger that is their partner) and seeing how it pushes that person to eek out one or five more push ups. I did my push ups, apologized to my partner about my hairy legs and then did my sit ups. Phew. One thing left.

It really was a nice day today. About 30-ish degrees...not too bad. Sun was out. Gotta think positive! I took a couple hits off my inhaler and thought "well, this is it. Just don't be last!" Closed my eyes, prayed my wheezing wouldn't get the best of me, and I was off. Really, wasn't too bad out there. The cold wind on my hurtin' lungs though made it a little tough. I did walk some of my mile I will admit. But, that's ok. I did finish, and I wasn't last. While I was running I was repeating a mantra in my head. "God give me strength in my legs and air in my lungs." Strange I know but honestly it helped. Not sure why those two things are what I kept repeating but it got me through. When I used to run, praying really did get me through my runs. I would be out running on the highway, just talking (in my head) away to God. At some point during my run God probably started checking his phone because I was boring Him so much. :) But it helps, and any little bit to get you through a tough run makes it easier.



Week One, Abby:                                                            Week One, Travis:
Weight: 187.2lbs                                                                Weight: 168.8 lbs
Body Fat %: 35.2                                                               Body Fat %: 15.3 (skinny ass!)
Push-ups (Girl style): 61                                                      Push-ups (the real kind): 42
Sit-ups (Hairy leg style): 40                                                 Sit ups: 49
Sit and Reach: 22 3/4"                                                        Sit and Reach: 13 1/4" (hehe)
Mile Run: 11:43                                                                  Mile Run: 7:45
Chest: 38 3/4"                                                                    Chest: 37"
Waist: 37 1/2"                                                                    Waist: 32"
Arm: 11"                                                                             Arm: 12"
Thigh: 24 1/2"                                                                    Thigh: 21 1/ 2"
Hips: 45 3/4"                                                                      Hips: 38 1 / 2"

So there ya have it. Our beginning. My new beginning. I have put on 21 lbs since July 25th. (Coincidentally the time I met Travis. I think it's his fault) I do not like those numbers but I have to be honest with myself. If the work is not being done, don't expect results. I am so proud of Travis and I. We already have our gym bags packed and our lunches made for tomorrow. We grilled up a bunch of chicken tonight and we are ready for the week! He told me tonight we should both try to end this challenge the same weight. So, Travis, does that mean you won't lose any weight? Because if I get to 168lbs that will mean I lose 19 lbs. But you know, I can do it. I lost 19 + when I was an original 10 weeker. It's on.

Thank you for letting me be real. Be authentic. These numbers hurt a lot, and make me quite embarrassed. But, they also motivate me. I will get it done. Hey scale! See ya in 5 weeks!

Nervous....yet Excited!!!

SO excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow is the 7th, meaning it is THE day. Testing. Although technically I do not test until Sunday the 8th, I am pumped for tomorrow!! My boyfriend and 2 of my friends are signed up for Farrell's and they are about to embark on the most amazing transformation their bodies have seen! Tomorrow morning, 8am, I will be rooting for these 3 from home. Well, actually 4. My best friend Kelly is jumping back on the Farrell's train. She is re-doing her 10 weeks and I couldn't be prouder of her for coming back. I am so not ready for testing. All my same fears are creeping up...what if I am last to finish my mile? What if my weight has gone up X amount of pounds? What if my body fat is such and such? GAH. Basically it comes down to WHO CARES. I am back on. Back in. I can't wait until Monday to beat the s*&t  ;) out of those bags. Pardon me.

Want to know something? So, clearly I have an unhealthy relationship with food, and tonight Travis (my boyfriend) and I decided to have one last fast food meal for 10 weeks. We went to Wendy's. I am going to tell you what I ate. I had a double bacon cheeseburger, medium french fries (which really are like a large) and a REGULAR coke. Not to mention I may have had a nugget or two of Travis's. Want to take a stab at how I feel?? Gross. Greasy. My stomach feels...ugh. How come I can never remember this feeling I have right now when I want to eat this way?? My mind does not remember what my body goes through at this time. My belly is hanging over my sweatpants, my intestines are yelling at me WTF ABBY?? No really though, you do feel the physical effects of the unhealthy food. I know how I feel when I eat healthy food, and how amazing I feel when I do so, I just can't seem to make myself remember just how barfy I feel after eating straight up grease. When will I learn?

I am ready though, ready for whatever lies before me these next 10 weeks. Not only am I ready to see my friend's transformations but I am ready to see my own. I know what I am capable of and I want to go even further. I want to get back to that level 10. I want to run 5ks again. This is my jumping off point again. Sorry if you get sick of seeing pics of me, but it helps me remember what once was. This is my jumping off point in September of 2010:

Sunday I will post my jumping off point again....and hopefully Travis will let me post his. :) I am scared, I am nervous...but I am ready. Bring it.

Desperation and Inspiration

So many times I have thought, Damn! Science is so freaking amazing, why can't they make a pill for weight loss that won't have a side effect of, ya know, killing you by a heart attack?! I don't get it. We have amazing medications that can alter blood pressure, cholesterol levels, brain chemistry, etc... But nothing that can just liquidate all the lovely adipose tissue I got building up in my trunk and bumpers? (Bumpers? what?)

Sigh. If only. If only every single one of those ads on TV for the various "magic weight loss" pills actually worked. (You mean I CAN'T eat my butterfingers and hot tamales, take a pill and lose weight?!) But, alas, I have been there. I have ordered some of those said pills. I have taken them, out of sheer desperation, to kick start SOMETHING. I have tried a couple kinds actually. I won't name any names on here, simply because I have no idea if I could get in trouble for that. :) But who cares what ones they were, they didn't work. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Truth of the matter is, I didn't want to do the work. I had full expectations that something in one of these magic pills would do it for me. What is that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time? Is that how it goes? Well, anyway, something like that. Taking a pill, no results. Crap! Taking pill number two. No results. What?! How is this NOT working?! (Says the girl on the couch with the remote) What does it take to get it (this party) started?!

The black eyed peas, duh. Sorry, dumb joke. But really, what it takes is that rock solid bottom. That place where you feel so insanely desperate, feel that the light at the end of the tunnel is so incredibly dim you need to squint real hard just to see it. But, accompanied with that rock bottom is this guy I know called inspiration. He is kinda little and hangs out in the back, but he is still there none the less. He's saying "hey Abby, you are down. This is as deep down as it gets. You see that light up there? Lets get it." It comes down to YOU making that choice to leave rock bottom and make your way up to that light. In reality, many of us hang out at rock bottom for awhile. Sit here, mope, get depressed, get even more down on ourselves. Until finally, that little guy hanging out in the back makes his way forward and his voice is louder and louder until he is finally screaming in your ear. Something inspires you to move forward, inspires you to move up.  For me it was that giant 20 staring me in the face that day in the dressing room. It was me getting winded chasing my kids around the living room. It was staring at a picture and thinking wow I didn't think I looked THAT bad. But it was also the fact that I was on (started at age 24) two cholesterol medications. Whatever your inspiration is, don't ever let him sink back into the corner again.

Sure it is easy for me to say all this, sitting at my computer. The ugly truth is I have been feeling pretty crappy, and quite frankly, embarrassed. I have worked out a handful of times in the last 3 weeks. I took my boyfriend to Farrell's to try it out and I couldn't even keep up with him. I ate a butterfinger tonight while watching Biggest Loser. Four more days until the challenge starts. I have my own little dead line. It's kinda like I need to have my last rendezvous with my old fling before I kiss him goodbye. It sounds crazy but you do kinda mourn when you lose contact with that special piece of "therapy." Eventually I can bring these things back into my life, but in moderation. I know I can. So it's not so long. It's see ya later. (Is she still talking about food??)

In four days its on. In four days I will hit it again. Falling off the wagon is normal, and it's ok. Just don't get drug through the dirt for too long and always, really, ALWAYS find your way back on. I know where I work out I have, at any given time, a half a dozen hands stretched out always waiting to pull me back on. It's up to me to grab one.

Therapy

Therapy. Everyone needs a little every once in awhile. My therapy used to be writing. I have kept a journal since age 10. Now I am 30 and it still seems like good therapy. There is no way my 2011 can be summed up into a little blog. Therapy. I tried the old fashioned kind where you talk to someone about your problems, but at the end of the day I felt silly closing my eyes and thinking of a place where I could feel peace. I felt like a total failure explaining all my shortcomings in life, marriage, and parenthood to a complete stranger who was young, beautiful and seemingly happily married. So, I stopped going. Good or bad choice? I am not completely sure. But if you aren't comfortable opening up to someone, how can this type of therapy work? I swear I am  not a pessimist though! :) Therapy. Punching a bag, kicking a bag...HARD. Fitness kickboxing is indeed therapy. In between my huffing and puffing (and occasional hit off my Albuterol inhaler) I punch, I kick, I de-stress. Therapy. Food. My enemy. Stupid bodily need to eat and drink. But I think many can attest to the powers of food related to stress...I mean studies have been done right? I am, no doubt, a stress eater. I envy those who actually lose their appetite when the stress is maxed. Me, my appetite doubles. Nothing...no one...makes me feel like food does when I am stressed out. Stupid best friend.

Funny though, when all hell broke loose in my life I didn't turn to my best therapy. I guess I had already started myself on a new and improved health pattern in my life. I took up running in February of 2010, and kept it up until September of that year. I ran more than a handful of 5k's that summer, eventually scoring a free 10 week session to an extreme fitness place that September. Back to February. Let me tell you, February was a TOUGH beginning. Summer of 2009 was a stark revelation that opened my eyes. I can't even remember what event my ex-husband and I were heading to but I needed a new pair of "dress" shorts. So, off I went shopping. Shopping when you are chubby is not fun, let me just say that. I had been a solid size 18 for quite awhile now, 16 if I didn't eat for a couple days. Many stores later, after all kinds of trying to squeeze into an 18, I bought a size 20. Holy. Crap. A T-W-E-N-T-Y. I stared at the tag and didn't know whether to cry or laugh. So, I cut the tag out. No one needed to see what size it was. I knew, and I never had been so ashamed in my life. All the crappy eating, non existent working out was catching up to me. I could no longer blame it on "oh I just had a baby" because my "baby" was 2 years old. That Christmas I bought a dress. It was basically a sweater sack. I bought cute tights and those fake furry boot things...I could barely wear those because my calves were so big. I was uncomfortable the ENTIRE time in church...things needed to change. The first pic is Sept. 2009 and the second pic is August 2008. In both pics I am wearing a size 1X shirt. Actually the jacket in the second pic is a maternity jacket. eek.

February of 2010 I weighed 235 lbs. I am 5'4". There is no reason I need to be this weight...my frame was not made to support that! So, for seriously like the 4th or 5th time I joined Weight Watchers. I ran. I ate well. Sure didn't wear those 20's for long! So long bitch!! March, April, May...lost lost lost. May. Ugh May. My marriage had undoubtedly begun to unravel at this point. I fought for my marriage...but harder for my new body. I was finally giving myself something, something no one could ever give me or take from me. This was all me baby. I did this. I won't talk much about my marriage and eventual divorce on this blog by the way....no need to be angry while I type. :) By August I had gotten into a solid 16 and was down 35 lbs or so. I was hovering around 200lbs SO anxious to break into the "100s". Then my grandpa died. All I did for 2-3 weeks straight around his death was eat. Stress. Therapy. Food. Ahhh. Felt like home. My best friend helped me once again through all my grief. No shock that I put back on 15lbs or so. Damn.

September 25, 2010 arrived. This was my "D-Day". I arrived to Farrell's VERY unsure of myself. Could I really handle what the title says "Farrell's Extreme Body Shaping"??? Extreme? Sure, I had been running but this? Eesh. Watching all the people file in the building was intimidating to say the least. So many in shape people. What in all that is holy are these people doing here?? You are already skinny. I put my fears aside and found my name on a notebook, found my team and sat down. We were all inspecting each other, sizing one another up...wondering who we would partner with on our first kickboxing day. Testing. Oh my. Testing was insane. My numbers were crazy low. Testing involved how many sit ups and push ups you can do in one minute, sit and reach, one mile run (which mine was high time, not low) and then...your picture. You, in a sports bra and shorts....and a fully dressed stranger with a camera. Humiliating. 200 lbs to start. Here are my beginner pictures. They look worse in person.

For 6 days a week I kickboxed, strength trained, ate protein, drank water and most of all, didn't cheat! It. Felt. Amazing. I could feel the change in my clothes. I could feel the increase in energy. It was insane!! Your body treats you so well when you treat it well. (I already knew quite the opposite was true.) I had an amazing coach, a partner in crime to kickbox with and just an all around great support group. December 4th came. The moment of truth. It was a repeat of the first day...nerves again. But, ALL my numbers improved! I had dropped a minute off my mile, increased in both my situps, pushups and sit and reach, but most importantly (to me) I had lost close to 20 lbs! I weighed in at 180 lbs. Hot damn! That night, for the celebration dinner I bought a size 12. Yessssss. A 12. They were tight but they were a 12! Finally that 2 was in the second place, not the first. I think my shirt was even a large. Wow. Here are my after pictures:
 
So, why does this matter Abby? Why are you blogging about this?? Well, it all comes back to therapy. An outlet. I don't care who reads this. Sure, I hope some do...I hope I can inspire some and vice versa. But basically, as I sit here on this New Year's Day, I am back to my old tricks. My old best friend has creeped its way back into my life. During this blog post I have eaten an entire box of Hot Tamales. I ate pop tarts for breakfast. Pizza for dinner. I have MAYBE had 2 glasses of water today and double that in Diet Mountain Dew. So to me, it does matter. July of 2011 I got to my lowest weight. 166 lbs. I fit comfortably into a size 10. I shopped in the juniors section. I wore medium and small shirts. I wore tank tops and shorts (gasp!) for the first time in probably 5 years. Today, I am at 176 (ok maybe 180) pounds. My size 10s? Yeah, they don't fit. 12's are getting tight. I am back to hiding in my clothes rather than dressing up my body. I don't want to be here. I hate it. January 7th Farrell's has the new 10 week session starting. I am now a FIT member and will be competing in this new challenge as well. My motivation: health and wellness. I do not feel healthy. I do not feel well. I feel disgusting most days. The old adage "you are what you eat" is certainly true. While I may not look like a donut (which is a solid comfort food for me, curse you maple donuts) I definitely feel its greasy effects. God it feels amazing when you eat that little O of fat and sugar...but after I just feel eater's remorse. So, I am going to blog. Write. Therapy baby. Somethin's gotta give. Before I know it I will be back to that 18-pushing-20. Just the thought of that makes my heart skip a beat. I never want to be that Abby again. I am shooting for this again:

Minus the hideous hair and the sweatiness. Or maybe I will keep the sweat. It means you did something. Either way, I am writing. Raw. Unapologetic. My personal struggle. Read it or not, it will be here as an outlet...and as a reminder to me to keep going. Work hard. Do it. Only I have control over this. Hard to remember when you feel totally controlled by one of your forms of therapy.

Therapy. Everyone needs a little once in awhile.